Prayers

I'm sitting on my bed, eyebrows scrunched and eyes set on the screen. No matter how many times I type a new opening, I am bound to erase it and start over. Am I nervous? I'm going to have to live with whatever spills out or I won't be able to write this at all. *phew* Here we go!
On this blog, I am Kailey (B. Graham). All the people I know call me Kailey and I've never really had a nickname .... but today, I am Ousie.  My sisters, age five and seven,  have gradually come to know me as Ousie, and as I've brought up in an earlier blogpost, this is an African term. It's a more commonly known form of the word "Ouses" which, in Afrikaans, means Sister. The oldest sister, to be exact. All the times I've heard it used, it seemed like a very affectionate term coming from much-younger siblings to a sweet or motherly Big Sis, particularly if she carries a lot of responsibility in the house. To be Ousie is kind of like to be second in command, after Mom and/or Dad. As much as I love it when they call me that, I have to admit that I encouraged it from the beginning!

My heart hurts right now.

I am Ousie. Only the oldest sibling really gets the weight that comes with being the oldest sibling. In some way or another, the pain or mistakes of the younger siblings always feel connected to us, even if they aren't. To be the oldest is a step down from being a parent, I think. I'm not Provider or Rulemaker, but I am an authority, a role model, and a lover.

Understand, I love my siblings to death. Most people would think that having nine siblings would mean fights, a cramped house, and especially a lack of connection, but if that's true, I guess we're exceptional in that regard!

Why am I saying all of this? I'm trying to create a setting - we have our struggles and my life is busy, but we are family.

A few days ago, my dad called the older girls together to sit and talk. The first thing I noticed were the tears in his eyes ... and that scared me to death. I can't say even that prepared me though. Still dressed up from the recent meeting he had been to, he explained that the social worker had just told him of a change of plans. My heart skipped a beat.

The four youngest children will be moving in with their biological Aunt very soon. Even with my parents fighting for the paper work for the months and months the children have lived in our home, there is very little chance that our family will be together much longer. There are so many questions swimming through my mind right now, and marching in the front lines is the question, "Will she even care for them?"  None of us know her. She hasn't so much as come to see the children since they've been with us. I guess through all of this is a feeling of helplessness - what can I do? And if they are going to an Aunt who doesn't care or can't provide, there is still nothing I can really do.

In truth, we're a mess. Please, please, please, pray for my family. There's really nothing else to do.