The Deal with Good Byes

I've said good bye to a lot lately - people, places, old comforts - without any true promise of seeing or experiencing their presence again. I have had to move on from dying relationships, leave behind sweet places I couldn't live at forever, and do what I could to let go of material comforts that faded, were eaten up, or were just too heavy to bring in my suitecase with me across the ocean.

The truth is, I hate to cry in front of people. I really do ... but the dignity I protect is a luxury I cannot afford when I've said the number of hard good byes that I have. I always wanted to say that letting go of people got easier as I got used to it, but I can't seem to callouse my heart enough. I wonder if anyone can.

But here I am; after stretching seasons, cycles of tears and laughter, quiet nights alone and slow mornings where I have little motivation to get up and live ... I am alive and I am thriving. I am in a country I have never called my own ... with friends I never would have met otherwise, particular, simple joys I never would have known elsewhere, and a blossoming peace in the solitude and among the questions. I have no doubt God will take care of my family and I; my faith has held strong! And now, after the many good byes I have suffered with, the seasons of testing, adjustment and faith, I find myself looking at a completely new, fresh, and exciting life ... just breaching the horizon.

　
　

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
John 14: 18, KJV

My Mom's Birthday!

Why am I sharing the birthday letter I wrote to my mom, you ask?

Well. I'll tell you. It's because my mom - also basically my teacher, role model and friend - is really wonderful and I wanted the internet to know how much I love her. I get told all the time (I literally mean on a daily basis) that we look exactly alike and that I act, sound or even write like my mom does. All of this makes me proud, 'cause if I turned out to be the gracious, child-lovin', Jesus-chasin', advice-givin' kitchen master my mom is, I would be delighted.

Beware; this is completely full of randomness and bursts of love.



Dear Mommy,

Happy (insert number of choice)th birthday! Hopefully this gift is exactly what you asked for. Please wear to Church next week!   (Side note: among some sweeter things, I bought my mom a pirate eye patch from the party section the other day. Just a little bit of Graham weirdness.)

Thank you for inviting me to come to the conference  - I had a great weekend with you and I would do it again, even with the neck/ back pain!

I meant what I said yesterday! I'm glad I can talk to you as a mom and as a friend, particularly as I get older and  need a mature opinion in certain situations. You've done a great, great job at more than just raising me.  And 19 + years of work have paid off, Mom! I'm fabulous.

So here's to the perfect day (and year ... and life) for my beautiful, awesome Mom. May you live at least another ... 58 years. Yep. That'd be great.

I love you!

Sincerely,

Kailey

One of Them

The people who help you up
And the people who hug you till your tears are dry
Are the people who feel you -
The people who burned with you when the match was struck;

People who are burned already.

The truth is that ache is unavoidable,
But ache is what gives us power.
When you’ve fallen, you haven’t lost;
Not nearly as much as you’ve gained.
Those who fall are those who will fall over and over again
Everyday with their friends who suffer beside them.

Yes – everyday. Every friend who feels the repercussions of divorce,
Every soul that wastes away slowly under the increasing pressure of depression,
Every child who’s been left without a mother,
Every mother left without her child,
Everyday and everyone.

The tears of an angel harvested
By the man who promised her the stars,
The sweat of a child, terrified
Of the sound beating he knows is coming,
The sleepless weeks of a mother
Who misses the son she lost to tragedy,
The dark circles on a good heart
Whose hands are tied as they watch their house fall.

You know them all -
And all of them personally.
You know their ache and the sound of their breath
When it hitches, even though they’re too tired to cry.
You remember and you feel it -
Like the slit never healed,
Like the devil never left,
Like the shadows never fled,
Like the coffin never closed,
Like the bruise never changed,
Like words are still ringing,
Like the blow is still stinging,
Like the orphan is still waiting,
And the gates are still locked shut.

But every time you fall with them
(And fall with them again and again),
You remember;
Cuts do close!
The devil grows tired.
The sun chases the darkness over the far, far horizon.
You can silence the words.
There are good people in the world
Who will come and save us from abandonment ,
Who come and lift us from tragedy,
Who can feel with us and breathe with us and pray with us
Until the locks fall and the gates crumble -
And you remember,
You are one of them now.

The Ultimate Care Package Guide

This post is for those who want to know what to send to missionaries or other people overseas whom they support... or, possibly, for the many people who will wonder why my family is bringing 114,612 bags back to Africa with us when we go. I mean, more or less that amount. 

The truth is, my family is hoarding for their next two years in Namibia, where they will be isolated from all the little luxurious things that the average American takes for granted; not us, guys. Here is a list of the many little American things that we treasure like Gollum and his juicy, sweet fish. (Oh, sorry ... a little too creepy?)

This is not me begging for anything -I promise. In fact, our family has enough, thanks to the provision of God - I'm trying to encourage readers who aren't quite sure how to bless people that they know overseas.


Candy from passport country 

Americans overseas love to receive Twizzlers, Skittles, M&M's and just about anything involving peanut butter or chocolate from back home. If the people you support are from countries other than the States, I'm sure their cravings will be much different, but those who sorely miss The Land of the Fat (also known as these-here United States of 'Murrica) would love for you to send them a carefully wrapped and taped package of glucose, carbs and cocoa madness. Please do.


Specialty foods 

Learn their health issues - is anyone in their family or on their team sugar-free, gluten-free, or otherwise on a special diet? (Our family, for example, appreciates gluten-free or corn-free mixes or pasta.) Small packages of dry things don't cost too much to send and are more easily preserved. If you need any further help thinking of things to send, consider bags of light-weight sugar-free candy, gluten-free brownie mix, milk or egg substitutes, protein powder, artificial sweeteners or even medicine they might need.


(Instant) Tea or coffee 

This one is especially for Starbucks fans, but the honest truth is that you can find lovers of tea, coffee or hot chocolate in any culture/ country of the world. It's safe to assume that the person you are sending this care package to will enjoy some kind of instant drink. Also, tea bags are really light and easy to send. Boom! Everybody wins.


School Supplies 

In case the family you support has not begged you for school supplies yet, here you go; they most likely want - no, strongly covet the school supplies you are about to send them. For those people across the globe working with children, pretty pencils, some Elmer's graft glue, colored paper, stickers and coloring books may very well sound like heaven. They probably wonder where all their erasers and pencil sharpeners have disappeared to and would love for you to save them from an eraser-less-pencil-sharpener-less fate. Please, have some compassion on the tired teachers and missionaries across the world.


Kid's movies 

Any kind of family friendly entertainment will likely do the trick, actually - particularly family films, educational shows or, generally, any entertainment with a wholesome message. Think Frozen, Barney, Narnia, Meet the Robinsons, etc. You might also send ministry movies (even if they're generally for an older audience) to help them further their cause; To Save A Life, Veggie Tales, Indescribable, the Jesus Film - ask the missionaries about their audience and what they could use for their ministry.


Letters

A  letter from an old friend I haven't seen in ages? Ooooh, please, yes. This is just as good as anything else you could send. You never know who may need a word of encouragement or a reminder that their friends haven't forgotten them! Send a little love.


Spontaneous Items

 Think of unique, mail-able things that could brighten anyone's day. Even if it's from the Dollar Store, it could be an incredible blessing to the people you support. Think fun sticker sheets, glow sticks, tubes of glitter, card games, magazines, silly putty, yarn, chewing gum - if you include bubble wrap, then hey! Some of us consider that a gift in and of itself.

The Question

As of today (Thursday) we have a week and four days till we leave Otjiwarongo. Our trip back to America starts July 1st (driving to the capital, then spending the night there) then arriving at Dulles on July 3rd. My room is a wreck of half-packed clothes, makeup and miscellaneous items. Anyone want a denim Bible case? A pair of size 3 [US s6] heels? A box of random craft stuff I've never found the time to use?

A week and four days.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHH!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS.

This is the weird part where I say good bye to people in Africa (who have become my entire teen-hood) and say 'See you next year!' and go back to the people that, in a certain way, I left behind with my childhood (not that I've forgotten you - I love you, my Americaners!) - this is the part where I see what remains of the friendships I've been (not-so-diligently) keeping alive through letters and Facebook since I was twelve years old. For those who don't know, we're going on six years since we moved to Africa.

Returning to our old churches, Co-ops, dance classes and Youth Groups, we'll likely face warm welcomes and bear hugs. On sabbatical, like any other missionary, we'll go to friends' houses, "need-to-catch-up" meetings at restaurants and visit our supporters' Churches. The missionary goes from volunteer work in hospitals, schools and growing churches on the mission field to suddenly adopting the job of 'Nomadic Socialite' on their trip to the Motherland. Yep. My job (and that of my parents) is to talk to people.

Oddly, in the middle of that, I will likely face the Alien-sensation; take that however you want. The MK (oooor military brat, exchange student, immigrant, etc.) who faces their childhood home again will probably find it odd to be back ... and feel like the world has moved on without them. And depending on how different their other culture is, they may also feel like they have a third eyeball growing in the middle of their head.

 It's great to have friends greet you with enthusiasm and ask you questions about your life in Africa (or wherever). Even better is the look on their faces when you speak as fast as you can in some crazy foreign language that they've never even heard the name of. All that is fine and dandy - in fact, most of the above mentioned are pleasures enjoyed solely by Third-Culture-Kids.

But there's something huge missing. Let's return to the phrase above - which, by the way, I completely made up - Alien-sensation. I remember how I felt like a foreigner in my own country. Yep. I said it. I was surrounded by friendly people, but down in my spirit I knew very well that I didn't belong. My clothing, the things I said, and my social awkwardness didn't help me much. (This second-go-'round, I think I'll be better at all of that.)

But something else separates the American-African that isolates them in a crowd of Westerners. Honestly, there are emotions and situations that very few single-culture people understand - this can lead to a deep loneliness in those separated from their mission field. (Interestingly, studies have shown that MK's from completely different countries tend to feel at home in each other's presence. We share 'the commonality of our differences'.)


 Of course, the loneliness is not the worst of it! There's one thing ... one terrible, awkward, heart-wrenching question that Americans and other Western non-travelling citizens use to terrorize their poor, victimized missionaries on a regular basis. And by a regular basis, I mean just about every single day. *deep breath*  (I can hardly type it).



                                                How's.        Africa.



That's it. Just plain ol' 'Hey, how's Africa?' from a friend or relative is destructive to the Missionary's view of said person. You have lost about ten brownie points. Did your I.Q. level just drop? Did you just get 3 inches shorter? Now that I think of it, you kind of smell. And your brow is protruding ominously over your eyes.


I'm just kidding. I started that paragraph trying to make a point, but then I couldn't stop my nasty facetious personality from taking control of the keyboard. Do understand, there's no one I look down on that much. Especially not someone who unknowingly walked into the Danger Zone of a sarcastic, talkative, I-know-everything redhead. Really though, roughly half of the MK's in Africa you'll come across will be annoyed by this question. And practically all of the ones I talked to found the question very hard to answer.

My response is usually a smile with a connotative 'All kinds of stuff. How's the continent of North America been lately?'



The Part II of this post is coming up where I will provide solutions for the problem I have brought up. Mean while, do refrain from asking the question.

The Six Things Every Missionary Needs

So I have just composed a list of things that, well, pretty much all missionaries need during their transition stage. It consists of things I had, things I wish I had had, and things my friends have had during the transition part of their move to Africa! To the missionaries reading this, if I've left anything out, please let me know! (Do keep in mind that this was put together by a teenager.)

1. Jesus is your best friend

        When a missionary moves, there are very few people who understand the adjustments they are facing. If missionaries go as a family, like mine, you do  have each other, but that can get claustrophobic and annoying - even they might not understand exactly what you are facing. Take time, every day to talk to Jesus about the pains and joys of that day (and of the move in general). He's the only one who knows the home you came from, the place you live in now, and the questions you have in your heart about moving.

2. Learn to love your new world


      Relax at first. Culture shock can get really bad if you rush things, but when you start to really take in all that's been happening, begin counting the beautiful, interesting things about your new-found world. Write about it to your friends, record it in a journal, or add it to your list of things to share with God in the evenings.

3. Candy will keep you grounded     


 This is true. American candy in particular is very powerful when you need to escape. I recommend, in particular, that you bring Reeses, marshmallows, Hershey's chocolate and your favorite bubble gum with you when you move from the States - I don't believe Hershey's or Reeses exist in any other country - bubble gum and marshmallows are not the same overseas. Trust me. All of that junk food will be a life saver when you need to break down, spend a whole day in your pajamas and watch movies on your computer.

4. PHOTOGRAPHY!!!


     I did not have a camera when we moved from the States (I was only twelve years old), but I've seen some friends having a blast with their cameras since moving here! There's something simple and moving about searching for the right perspective, some good lighting and a beautiful image to capture that will make the country you stay in seem a little more comfortable.

5. Alone time


     Everyone needs some alone time, but it's SO SO SO important for missionaries to remind themselves of that. We can get so busy and caught up in trying to save the world (isn't that why we moved in the first place?) that we burn out. Believe it or not, this can apply to missionary kids too. A person in a new environment, regardless of their age or exactly what kind of ministry they're engaged in, needs a few hours each week to digest it all alone.

6. Good friends


    On the other hand, in between the rests and quiet times, it's time to PARTY! Surround yourself with good people and that fish-out-of-water-feeling (that always comes when you are in a crowd of an entirely different culture) will melt away. This could mean get together's with some other missionaries, meeting up with friends you've made on the mission field, or doing video calls with friends back home (via 'Oovoo' or 'Skype'). Yeah, the last is probably most important. Most of all, surround yourself with people who genuinely care about your experiences - the kind of people who will ask questions and really listen for the answers.
   The kind of people who will send you care packages full of chocolate kisses and Reeses.

Missionary support

Days have passed in tiresome work. It's just one of those days when I go from one thing to the other, and in the end I feel like I'm in a fog - everything I got done is really nothing, because my brain is swimming together like a puddle of consciousness whispering 'stoooooooooop, you are neglecting meeeee'. I have successfully ignored both sides of the brain; I have excercized no logic whatsoever and done nothing artistic since the moment I woke up.  I've just gone back and forth between computer and chore, computer and chore ... Pinterest, laundry. Again and again. It rocks, but I don't really feel anymore accomplished or happy at the end of the day.
I'm preparing mexican food. My mom cooked the meat, spiced it, and got out the tortillas, which we use sparinngly (we treasure our burritoes, since tortillas are incedibly hard to find in Africa). The rest of the work is for me. Tomatoes, onions, lettuce, cheese. I'm standing in the kitchen, getting lost once again in thought.


BAM!!!


I get hit by a wave of horrible music.


Coming from the livingroom. I stop shredding the cheese and cock my head. After a while of listening, I recognize the music. My mouth turns into a grin.


It's the da Silvas.


Aah, my old friends. The music is so sudden and silly, it's like they are here with me. This family lives in the United States, about the area where my family is from. We've been old friends with them. I met the two pretty sisters through ballet class (ages ago), then when my brother discovered all of their brothers, I guess our two families had to meet. So we've known each other for years. They've supported us through the move to Africa, the transitions, everything.


So they made a video for us. This was about three years ago, and all six crazy kids helped make it. I haven't watched that video for *phh*, I don't know how long.


And one of my siblings just put it in the DVD player. A wave of memories comes over me. I can't even see the screen from where I'm standing. It's just the horrible music SOMEONE was playing during recording. I start laughing.

The foggy feeling that I've experienced through the whole day is dispersing. For a few minutes, I remember the goofy person I was at the age of twelve, the crazy dreams I shared with my friends, and the inside jokes that will never wear out. The 'da Graham's as we were called.


All of this brings back a clear mind, a happy face, and a little more energy.


If I may say so, a lot of missionaries (new or not), struggle emotionally if they are unable to bring their own world - the American culture, comforts they grew up with, old friends - into contact with the culture they are presently living in.


This could mean living so deeply in the present that one forgets where they  have come from. Or maybe the people from their first culture simply cannot understand the trials or experiences of the new culture they are living in. Some, during the first few months, shut out the newer culture to dwell on the past (*aghem* made much easier through facebook). All of these prevent transitioning or comfort in the lives of missionaries.


I guess this is a way overdue thank you to my old friends. :) Their rediculous jokes, acting, and music-playing brought a new light to my day. This is also an encouragement to any readers with missionary friends. It might seem like no big deal to write a letter, send a little gift, type up an email or tag them in some silly old picture. But those things matter, and simply asking the question, 'how is the ministry going?' can bring a new life to their ministry that nothing else could.


If you ever choose to make a twenty-minute movie about the missionary family you miss, go all out. For all you know, three years later, you'll bring some laughter into their long, weary day.